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Brian: I needed a friend to say "you know, I see that you are in a tough position and I see that you are going to make the right decision." I needed to feel respected as a person. That's what I really needed.

Anne: We think that we are above our spouse and that we would never have an affair.

If we recognize ourselves for who we are and that we are all individuals and that we are all susceptible to failure and moral break down, if we recognize that about ourselves than it becomes so much easier to understand someone else.

Brian: Now we have this ability the Lords prayer "forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." The first part is forgive us. It's not the other way around. No, first we need to recognize our own shortcomings and failures, when we do that then it becomes easier to forgive somebody else. That's how the process has to happen. If we think we are above doing what our spouse did to us we are above bringing real healing. I can't see how if you think you're never going to do something like that, how you could understand how your spouse feels. This is going to lag on if you think "you know what, I would never do that."

Anne: I think that was one of the things that really helped me in the healing process and in understanding. I did try to get a grip on myself and say to myself "hey, I'm not better than Brian. It could have been me. I have a hard time seeing it but ok different circumstances, different pressure, different opportunity - all I know is that I am a human being and I have the ability to fall." Also thinking about things that I have done wrong. Ok it wasn't affairs, but an affair could have happened to me, if you weren't meeting the needs in my life.

Brian: If people think they are above their spouse because they would never do it they're first off never going to bring healing into their relationship. If they think nothing can compare to this level of hurt. I've never done this level of sin. The problem is we don't talk about affairs, and I can understand it because it's uncomfortable and everyone thinks it will never happen to them. Yet, it's no different than other things in life we do wrong. We need to recognize that all wrong is wrong and stop ranking them thinking "You're a worse person than I am because you're wrong is worse than mine." We view affairs as really bad (and they are), but we don't think of all the other wrongs people commit in marriages as really bad too.

This article first appeared on http://www.beyondaffairs.com/

©Copyright 2005 Anne and Brian Bercht.

You can purchase the Berchts’ book “My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me” by visiting http://www.passionatelife.ca/ where you’ll also find helpful advice and articles as well as information on the Beyond Affairs Network.