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Why Stay With A Spouse
Who Has Had An Affair?

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They may recognize that affairs are not just a reflection of a specific marriage but are also a reflection on broader forces in their environment that undermine monogamy. Having affairs has more to do with other factors than with who is a "good" or "bad" person.

They may consider the prospects for the future of the marriage if they stay. If I had left when my husband told me about his affairs 30 years ago, I would have missed all those years of having an honest, monogamous marriage—one that has now lasted for 50 years.

They may look realistically at their spouse's other qualities and find that on balance they prefer their spouse to other potential partners. Although being alone is a perfectly legitimate choice, many people prefer to have a mate.

They may (especially if either is well-known) feel a bond with their partner in confronting the public outcry. Being faced with a situation where it's "you and me against the world" can strengthen a sense of togetherness.

There are, or course, many other reasons a person might choose to stay, but this list reflects the overall reason: "they have been able to think clearly about the whole complex situation instead of just reacting emotionally."

Those who disagree with a decision to stay seldom base it on a thoughtful consideration of the question. They're more likely to have an emotional reaction or to simply say the person should leave "on principle." This seems to me to reflect a self-serving attitude rather than one of concern for the person affected. If we look closely at people who are upset about someone staying with a partner who has had affairs, we're likely to find a lot of fear—fear that it could happen to them—and a feeling that "punishing" people for affairs will somehow "protect" them from being faced with this problem in their own lives or in the lives of those close to them.

While I've tried to explain why some people choose to stay with spouses who have affairs, I want to be very clear that I'm NOT saying anyone "should" stay. What I AM saying is that we should respect and support each person's individual choices about significant issues in their lives—even when we disagree or fail to understand.

©1996-2007 DearPeggy.com

You can purchase “The Monogamy Myth” or other books by Peggy Vaughan, by visiting her website, DearPeggy.com, where you will also have access to her many articles, join in discussions, and learn more about The Beyond Affairs Network.

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