Slaying The Affair Demons
continued
You see in relationships, that’s a nightmare. If you’re not going to feel really great about someone, really passionate, really committed, you’re better off to be fighting. At least fighting indicates some emotion and feeling (and caring). But to be indifferent about someone is real hatred. I was not going to settle for this indifference in my marriage. I was going to fight ‘til I had one or the other. You can’t be apathetic when you’re fighting. In my book, I depict the fight quite clearly.
No, I don’t have moments anymore where I visualize Brian having sex with the other woman. Although this thought did hurt me, the thing that really hurt me was the fact that he lied to and deceived me. It was the betrayal of trust that hurt me. It helped me to remind myself, that few people today are virgins when they get married, and we weren’t virgins when we got married. Maybe if we had been virgins when we got married, the sex with another woman vision would bother me more.
It also helps me to think, I know actually the sex Brian and the other woman had together resembled more a couple of teenagers awkwardly struggling. The sex Brian and I share is fantastic and magical. It is like an ongoing symphony of lovemaking. The other woman can’t hold a candle to Brian’s experience with me in the bedroom. She was a cheap and unfulfilling substitute for what he genuinely desired with me. I know having been able to talk all these things through with Brian has really helped. Ultimately, there is just no way to turn back time and undo what has happened. It happened. I can’t change that.
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