Slaying The Affair Demons
continued
Another thing that helped me was learning to live in the present moment instead of living in the past, which is really living in truth. What is past is past. It cannot be changed. But our past does not need to define our future. I live with and focus on what we have today. I accept that what has happened has happened.
I work hard to control my thoughts. A book “Feeling Good” helped me with this. I strongly recommend it. It is a book on overcoming depression by learning how to see things in their true light.
Because Brian and I have spent hours discussing the affair, and Brian has answered ALL of my questions, and many of them he has willingly answered over and over again until I finally got it. So I feel my puzzle is now also complete. There are no pieces missing for me. I get it. I understand it. I understand the affair to the same degree that Brian does. I would never have been able to heal the marriage if this had not been the case. Getting answers to all of my questions was essential for me. I describe this and how we did it also in my book.
I know that Brian does not reflect on his affair as a good time today. He tells me (and I believe him) that whenever he thinks about it he just wants to throw up, because of how he failed himself as a man, and how he failed me and our children. I guess the HARD WORK we have done in our marriage has really paid off. We had a good marriage before, but we had no idea it could be as good as it is today.
We both have grown in our own individuality and self-esteem. That has enabled us to disclose ourselves to one another on a much deeper and riskier level, but with that self-disclosure comes a far greater degree of genuine intimacy. It’s a wonderful place to be. Maybe share these thoughts with your husband, to motivate him. According to a book I’m currently reading titled “Passionate Marriage” the best sex and relationships are enjoyed by people in their 50’s and 60’s – obviously only the ones who do the work.
You ask: How could someone so devoted to his wife and family have an affair?
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