Should I Stay Or Should I Go?
continued
A Feeling of Ambivalence
It is normal to have ambivalent feelings towards your spouse who has betrayed you. We're often not really sure what we want. We weren't prepared for such betrayal. We're not even sure sometimes if we really still love our spouse or not. Frankly, we are confused. How do we know whether we should stay or go? One woman at our meeting reported that while she was going through it, her counselor told her that she would know, if and when it was time to leave her marriage. She left that counseling session feeling a bit confused. "Couldn't I get a more concrete answer than 'You will know?" she wondered. In her situation, she did end up leaving her marriage, and she did know. She made her decision based on the fact that after much trying her husband was just not sorry for what he had done. He only regretted getting caught. More importantly, she made her decision based on the fact that he was unwilling (after some time) to discuss the affair or put any effort into improving the marriage. He seemed to be a person who was using his marriage only as a home base from which to pursue his own independent life, not to have a marriage, a friendship and a loving, growing relationship with his wife. Although it has not been easy (the divorce road), she lives with peace that she has made the right decision, and like me she shares the sentiment, her husband's affair has become the best thing that ever happened to her. It was a sound eye-opener to an intangible she had been wrestling with for sometime. Her marriage had not been what a marriage should be. For years she had been plagued by sadness, loneliness and disappointments, but you stay in your marriage and keep working on it, don't you? The affair (not the affair itself, but her husband's unwillingness to talk, acknowledge his fault and put effort into rebuilding) shone a spot light on what was truth.
Spouse's Ambivalence
While many spouses, who have had affairs, do not decide to leave the relationship, they often seem like they don't care, unwilling to put energy and effort into rebuilding the marriage. Another woman in our group shared that when she is actively implementing 'tough love' principles and boundaries, her husband does what seems right (or at least enough to make it appear so to outsiders). He will attend counseling or support group meetings, yet he remains distant. As soon as things seem a bit better, and she relaxes a notch, he slips right back into the old unhealthy patterns. The question she must ask herself is, for how long is she willing to participate in this relationship dance? How long is long enough before he should have gotten his act together and be putting effort into the relationship of his own initiative. In this situation the unfaithful spouse seems oblivious. This woman reported that her husband thinks their marriage is great right now, yet he doesn't participate in activities and responsibilities at home (unless it is demanded - at which point he puts in a bare minimal effort), neither does he care to ask her how she feels about their marriage. He seems self-centered.
The reality is that many times the person who has had an affair doesn't really know what they want. They may not want a divorce, but they may not want to give up the affair either. Most people, who are still participating in an affair after their spouse knows about it, are simply living in the moment, and completely ignoring their need to choose between the marriage and the affair. It is very difficult for a person who is waiting for a spouse to choose between the marriage and the affair to think clearly in the moment, but thinking clearly is exactly what is needed.
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