Is it reasonable to want
to talk about the affair?
continued
Among those people (including myself) who have most thoroughly recovered from a spouse's affair, the key is talking through the whole situation for as long as necessary to reach a point of putting it in perspective where this experience no longer has the power to prevent you from going on with your life. The goal is not to get to the point of "never talking about it." (That does not represent recovery.) The goal is to get to the point where you can talk about it—without the talking triggering the old painful feelings.
Here's the way I described my experience in Beyond Affairs:
"We spent many, many hours talking about our feelings and trying to get a handle on the whole experience. Little by little it got easier to handle the emotional aspects too... Finally, one day the pain just slipped away when I didn't even notice."
Our responsibility not to "punish" for answers we get to questions we ask:
While it may not seem "fair," the one who asks for details about the affair has a responsibility to hear them in a way that doesn't punish the partner for doing what they've asked them to do. It's simply not "smart" to punish someone for being honest (despite the potential pain from the honesty) because it means the honesty will be unlikely to continue. Responding to honest answers with emotional abuse that leads to arguments is clearly not going to lead to healing or rebuilding.
I personally know how difficult it is to hear this kind of information without reacting in a way that shuts down future efforts to get answers to our questions. But we sabotage our own desire for the truth unless we find ways to reinforce our partner's honesty. The key to being able to handle the painful facts that may be disclosed through this process is to consciously remind yourself that the honesty and commitment represented by the willingness to answer questions is more positive than the painful facts themselves are negative. No matter how hard it was to hear the facts (about the past), I was comforted by the more significant fact that he was being Honest (in the present) and respecting my "need to know."
©1996-2007 DearPeggy.com
You can purchase “The Monogamy Myth” or other books by Peggy Vaughan, by visiting her website, DearPeggy.com, where you will also have access to her many articles, join in discussions, and learn more about The Beyond Affairs Network.
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