You Suspect They’re Cheating and They Won't Confess
continued
Here are some general guidelines to follow when suspicious of an affair written by Peggy Vaughan, www.dearpeggy.com, printed with permission.
Suspecting:
The first signals of an affair are seldom the stereotypical things like lipstick on the collar or strange phone calls; they're much more likely to be an intuitive sense that "something is different." Many people have trouble deciding whether or not to trust their intuition. And while it's not sufficient in and of itself, it plays a central role in the list of "signs and symptoms" of an affair. In fact, this is one of the first indicators of a possible affair--this gut feeling that something is wrong. Most people reported having this feeling, although it varied in the way it appeared. For some it was a sudden feeling that resulted from a casual comment or incident, while for others it came as a growing feeling of uneasiness.
The signals may be quite subtle, just slight shifts in certain behaviors; for instance being more distant, more preoccupied with job, home, or outside interests, more attentive to clothes and accessories, more focused on weight and appearance, more absent from home with time unaccounted for, more glued to the TV set than usual, more interested in trying new things sexually than before, less attentive, less willing to talk or spend time together, less available emotionally, less interested in family issues, less interested in sex than usual, and less involved in shared activities.
Of course, even if you detect some of these signs in your partner's behavior, you can't assume it means they're having an affair; it's not that simple. Determining whether or not there's any significance to the changes in behavior depends on evaluating both the number of areas of change and the degree of change. For instance, changes in only a few areas would not be as significant as changes in many different areas. And very slight changes would not be as significant as more drastic ones.
But even if there has been a great deal of change in a large number of areas, this does not necessarily signal an affair. There are many reasons for such changes in behavior that have nothing to do with affairs, one of the most likely being an increased level of stress in the work environment. Other possible causes include concerns about health, aging, family, or finances.
So there's no one, two, three process for knowing when a spouse has had an affair, but these are some of the factors that can reasonably be considered. In the final analysis, it calls for talking about it--very directly with your partner. So, to get back to the original question, intuition is only a signal to begin the process of getting more information in order to determine whether an affair is taking place.
Confronting:
"Whether, When and How" to confront are all critical issues that need to be determined prior to any confrontation. Whether and when to confront are based on asking yourself two key questions:
1. Do you really want the truth (rather than just looking for reassurance).
2. Are you open to the possibility of either staying or leaving (without
having predetermined this important decision).
As for HOW to confront, it's probably useless to ask tentative or vague questions--because there's a basic, unspoken mindset among most people having affairs: "Never tell; if questioned, deny it; if caught, say as little as possible." Therefore, it's important to begin by being very specific in asking, "Are you having an affair?" However, if the question comes as a complete surprise, it may prompt a knee-jerk denial. So for the confrontation to have any reasonable possibility of eliciting the truth, this question should not be blurted out without proper preparation.
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