You Suspect They’re Cheating and They Won't Confess
continued
Here's an overview of some of the ideas presented in my book, "The Monogamy Myth:"
First, it's important to choose a time and a place where there will be no intrusions or distractions. Then it's essential to establish real contact with the person; look them in the eye and say something like this: "I need an honest answer to the question I'm about to ask you. I hope the answer is no, but I need to know the truth. If the answer is 'yes,' that's not necessarily the end of the relationship. But if it's 'no' (and I find out later you were lying), I'm not sure we would be able to overcome that."
A failure to ask this kind of direct question allows the other person to avoid a direct reply. Many people having affairs depend on never being asked directly, on never having to lie. A straightforward question makes it more difficult to pretend no harm is being done and to deny the possibility of getting caught and having to deal with the consequences. Of course, even making this kind of direct effort doesn't guarantee success in getting an honest answer; some people are accomplished liars and this won't have as much impact on them. It can be extremely frustrating to finally ask directly, and still feel the truth didn't come out. It's at this point that people usually stop talking and start taking more direct action aimed at finding out the truth for themselves.
End of comments from Peggy Vaughan.
Some people choose to hire private detectives or become one (more or less) themselves. When it comes to all aspects of affairs, the best thing to do is gain as much perspective as you can by reading good books on affairs, and talking to others who are going through it, thus the benefits of joining a BAN support group.
The most important thing is for each individual to make their own decisions. No one else is living your life, and only you will live with the outcome of whatever decisions you make, not your friends or family who so willingly can offer their unsolicited advice.
A marriage plagued with suspicions is not a good one, regardless of whether or not an actual affair is taking place. Rather than become an obsessive detective, I would recommend individual counseling or therapy and taking a very good look at yourself. Focus your attention on becoming a better you, and then you will be stronger and more capable of handling the future whatever the future brings. Also as you become a healthier person, you will become better at recognizing unhealthy patterns in your relationship and/or any codependent tendencies. As you change you’ll find your partner will also be forced to change. It can be a surprising revelation to learn how we also have a part to play in the relationship “dance” that is taking place in our marriage.
We can change our relationships by learning how to change ourselves.
©Copyright 2005 Anne and Brian Bercht. All rights reserved.
You can purchase the Berchts’ book “My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me” by visiting http://www.passionatelife.ca/ where you’ll also find helpful advice and articles as well as information on the Beyond Affairs Network.
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