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Good Communication Is Critical for Children

Since the entire process creates insecurities for not only the parents, but also the children, it is important for the parents to decide upon a plan of action on how to communicate the fact of the divorce and the lifestyle changes that it will bring to the children. Writing out on a piece of paper exactly what you want to tell the children is a good place to start. Deciding when and where to tell the children is a good second step.

Many children are not surprised when they are officially told by the parents that a divorce is imminent as they have observed the parent’s relationship disintegrate over time or realize that the quality of their lives can be substantially improved by spending quality time with each parent alone rather than in a stressful confrontational family situation where both parents cannot tolerate the personality or preferences of the other parent.

It is important to present a well thought out explanation of the rationale behind the need for the divorce. The children’s initial concerns can be greatly diminished if they see a logical positive presentation by both parents on the resolution of the personal differences that have surrounded the parents. The love and support of the children at this time in their lives is more important than the personal concerns of the individual parents. The children did not choose to be brought into this situation and the parents owe the children a duty to help resolve these differences in the best way possible for the benefit of the children. At no time during the process or following the divorce should the children ever be used as a weapon or a tool of revenge against the other parent. Not only is it unfair to the child to put them in the middle, but it will leave long standing scars on their perspective of what marriage and divorce is all about as they mature and try to develop a meaningful relationship with other non-family members in the future.

Most children blame themselves for the fact of the divorce occurring. This is an irrational conclusion that the child reaches in his or her mind, but is due in part to their inability to understand the great sense of loss they feel. Their thought process is not as logical as it could be in a non-stressful situation. Self-blame and guilt is one of the first emotions that surfaces in the child’s thought process and needs to be dealt with as early as possible in the overall discussions as the case moves forward. Periodically checking with the children several times a day or several times a week about how they are doing and how things are in their world can allow them to open up and talk about the painful issues that somehow don’t seem so bad after they are discussed.