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Good Communication Is Critical for Children

Explain the various events and the time frame surrounding those events as the divorce progresses for the children so that they are not surprised by new information that must be absorbed and understood. Discuss only as many issues as you and the children can comprehend and accommodate at any given time. The younger the child, the more the need for less specific information. The need for support of each child at any age is constantly needed. If you are asked questions that you don’t know the answer to, be honest with the children and tell them that you will find out by talking to an attorney or to a psychologist. The child will be glad that you are seeking and will receive professional advice which will benefit the entire family.

When you find yourself laying on too much guilt or negative comments upon the child about your feelings about your spouse, drift away from the conversation and share those observations with a close friend, or your attorney, or your psychologist, but not the child as it is unfair to burden the child with issues that do not involve them and to which they do not have an answer, but will blame themselves for not having the ability to give you an answer.

If your children are in the house, they can probably hear your conversation with your spouse, or figure out the subject matter and the emotional level of that discussion, regardless of how far away you think they might be removed from you in the residence. The children will have their antenna extended and ready to pick-up on any information they can gather at any time. Be careful not to assume that they cannot hear what you are doing or saying. Do not move the process too quickly. Everyone will need time to adjust to the many changes that will come everyday. Finish out school terms whenever possible and try to avoid changing schools in the middle of the year.

Work out your frustrations and anger on your own time, not during the quality time you spend with the children. Spend time with your friends, your attorney, or your psychologist, if you do not feel confident that you can have a meaningful discussion with the children. Don’t force discussions to occur until you are ready to handle them with the best interests of the child being foremost in the discussion. Each of the children, regardless of their age, will look to you for reassurance and control over the situation, including their own well-being and security. Just because a divorce is in the process, does not mean that your obligations are diminished in any way as a parent as to that control and security that you have always provided.