Rebuilding Trust With Your Husband
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In my book, My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me, my husband and I describe our own journey of rebuilding trust in our marriage, the actions that built trust and the setbacks we had along the way.
5. Today I trust my husband 100% again. This is a miracle. There was a time when I thought I could never trust again. One of the most significant reasons why I trust my husband is because together we took the time to discover why he had the affair. Then we both made the changes necessary both in ourselves and in our marriage to ensure it doesn't happen again. (He made most of the changes, but I made changes too.) This was the most significant trust-building key. I doubt very seriously I could trust again if we hadn’t together discovered why it happened in the first place and then made the necessary changes.
“If you do the same thing you’ve always done, you’ll get the same thing you’ve always got.”
Just deciding not to have an affair is insufficient. If willpower alone would do the trick, you wouldn't have had an affair in the first place. Discovering the real root causes for why is a journey. It takes time. As first your initial impulse will likely be to blame your husband for the affair. In some marriages there may be loneliness or unmet needs that contributed to vulnerability, and certainly these should be addressed.
But the real reasons lie within your self. You need to take a deep and honest at your inner heart. What really made you vulnerable? Why did you compromise the decision you had made to be exclusively faithful to your husband? When you discover the real root causes and have made the appropriate changes your husband will have a solid reason to trust you again.
6. Last you need to be patient with your husband as he works through the devastating emotions. My husband likened this period to the endurance required to run a marathon.
John: And you will get tired but your husband will notice any flagging of your efforts and he'll begin to doubt you. This is probably the most difficult thing you'll have to do in life and sadly, you have to do it on your own and only you can restore the trust you betrayed.
In time betrayed spouses can heal. Even if your husband says it’s over and he can never trust you again, if you really love him hang in there. Do what he asks of you, but do not give up on your relationship. He will get through the initial trauma and in time be able to see things more clearly. If he genuinely loves you most likely he will reach a point where he desires to restore the marriage.
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