Recovering those "loving feelings" after an affair
continued
The strain between you won't just magically go away one day. Loving or sexual or passionate feelings need to be nurtured. Just waiting for them to return isn't likely to happen. You need to help them by noticing even the tiniest flutter of feeling. This reminds me of one other thing that I think matters. In one of our books, I don't remember where, I describe the importance of having been physically attracted to your spouse earlier (before an affair happens). If you had already lost the ability to have your heart flutter when you get back together after an absence (from a trip or something), then the spark may have already been so dead that it's hard to find it again. I feel fortunate that I had always continued to feel that spark with James, so it made "loving" him easier even after the affair. If that spark is gone even before an affair is discovered, I think it's much less likely that loving feelings can return.
One other important factor, of course, with a person feeling sexual is determined by how they feel about themselves. When we feel good about ourselves, we're more likely to feel sexual. When we feel bad, we don't feel sexual. It should help to work on self-esteem. (Both partners might read the parts of "The Monogamy Myth" that talk about "Personal Blame" and how defeating that is to recovery.) Also, others tend to see us in the way we see ourselves, so thinking better of ourselves may impact on our partner's opinion as well.
Finally, physical activity helps a person's general feelings, their sexual feelings, and their "generous" feelings (which are connected to feeling loving). Of course, it's very common to feel lethargic and disinterested in any kind of physical activity at times like this, but that's precisely what's needed to help you feel more "alive."
While there are no magic formulas or prescriptions for recovering the loving feelings between two people following an affair, these ideas might be helpful in the ongoing process of healing and rebuilding a relationship based on a deeper kind of love and commitment than the fantasy attraction that is inherent in affairs.
©1996-2007 DearPeggy.com
You can purchase “The Monogamy Myth” or other books by Peggy Vaughan, by visiting her website, DearPeggy.com, where you will also have access to her many articles, join in discussions, and learn more about The Beyond Affairs Network.
Other Related Articles:Article Archives
