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The Need to Know the Details

So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world.

This letter was originally posted on Peggy Vaughan’s website, www.dearpeggy.com, by a member of the Beyond Affairs Network. It is reprinted here, as it was posted, with permission.

Brian was willingly handing over the puzzle pieces, allowing me to view the entire picture in my own way and at my own pace. He patiently explained to me what went wrong and what his experience had been, as I asked the questions.

End of quote.

You may want to consider ordering my book, if you haven’t already. Perhaps sharing this with your husband will help him to understand your need to know. Trust me, my imaginations about my husbands experience were far more damaging than the exposed truth. Perhaps if your husband also gets a glimpse of the better marriage that is possible on the other side of this pain, he may be more motivated to face the pain and go through hard work of sharing with you.

Sharing the truth together with a motive aimed at healing and understanding can lead to incredible intimacy between you … and this tends to reflect in your sex life. Un-dealt with pain, and trying to “just forget about it” will only increase the pain and distance between you over the years. You can’t just hide this skeleton in the closet and lock the door. You’ve got to do the “spring cleaning” and get rid of it altogether.

(If he is the one who has committed the crime, why should he be let off the hook easy now without having to face what he did and the consequences, which hurts you more? Why do you have to bear double pain by moving on without answers, and he has an affair, and then doesn't have to pay the price of answering your questions so you can heal? - by having the TRUTH you will be able to let go of your "imaginations" about the other woman.)