How to Communicate in a Healthy, Constructive Manner
continued
For good communication to occur, it must be the right time and place. If either of you is too upset or distracted, the interaction will most likely end up with one of the above four communication blocks predominating the discussion. So if you know you or your partner is too upset to have a constructive conversation, do the following:
-Stop and cool down; leave the situation if necessary for a while
-Set a specific time and place to talk again
-Don't interrupt your partner; let them express
-Acknowledge your partner's concerns
Instead of Blaming and Accusing, couples can learn to:
2. USE "I" MESSAGES
When couples do a lot of blaming and accusing, they start many sentences to each other with words such as "you always..." or "you never...". Their partner is immediately put on the defensive when they hear a sentence beginning with the word "you".
A better method is to take responsibility for what you are feeling and communicate that to your partner. Begin your sentences with phrases like "I feel..." or "I think..."
-Discuss your feelings in a responsible way
-If you discuss your partner's behavior, again do so in terms of your feelings
-Let your partner know your feelings when they engage in the behavior
-Tell your partner the consequences of their behavior to you
As an example of this, if you are upset your partner doesn't call when they're coming home late, you could use blaming and accusing and say, "You're irresponsible" or "You don't care about me" or "You're selfish". Using "I" messages, the same statement might come out like this: "When you stay out late past when you told me you'd be home, I feel hurt, frustrated and angry. When you finally do come home, I really don't want to be close with you. In fact, it usually takes me all day long the next day before I feel like being close with you again."
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