The Three Selves of Dating
continued
So how do these three parts interact and change as a dating relationship develops? Well initially, the Alive, Loving Selves come out as fully as they ever will when people first meet. They dance and play and exude aliveness and spontaneity and fun and desire closeness. Unfortunately in most relationships, this phase is temporary because the Rational, Practical Persona and the Wounded, Fearful Self quickly team up to put a lid on the Alive, Loving Self’s playtime. As more closeness develops, the alarms of the Wounded, Fearful Self go off and self-protection takes over. Intimacy = vulnerability = risk and the Wounded, Fearful Self cannot tolerate the chance of being hurt again. The Alive, Loving Self is partially or completely shut down, leaving the Rational, Practical Persona to take over and make relationship decisions. Suddenly someone who wanted to see you every day has to work late 3 nights a week, or no longer wants to talk about "the future". Or out of the blue, you encounter anger or resistance when you want to do things to bring the relationship closer.
In most cases you fall in love with someone’s Alive, Loving Self but end up dating, living with and/or married to their Wounded, Fearful Self and Rational, Practical Persona. Thus a crucial task of conscious dating is to understand the nature of your partner’s Wounded, Fearful self. Are they aware of this part of themselves? Have they worked on healing it? How pervasive is it now in their life?
It is important to remember the work of Ken Wilber here (author of The Spectrum of Consciousness, Integral Psychology and the new, hilarious Boomeritis), who says that development in one area does not necessarily imply the same degree of development in another. Thus someone in touch with their Higher Self who has a comittment to spiritual practice can still have their emotional life dictated by their Wounded, Fearful Self. As Buddhist teacher Jack Kornfield says in his wonderfully humble book A Path With Heart, his years in the ashram enabled him to perfectly clear his mind, until he resumed the life of a householder and had to deal with intimate relationships.Or as Ram Dass once said, "I’m still as neurotic as ever, I just don’t choose to hang out there anymore!"
So when dating, it’s wise to open your heart gradually, until you get a sense of all parts of your partner. Honor the needs of all parts of yourself as well as your partner. Don't commit until you really feel you have a sense of which each of these parts is for your dating partner. These steps will help avoid any hurtful surprises and enable you to be fully present for the unique, precious journey of awakening that only the conscious dance of love can provide.
The Relationship Institute, whose website is www.relationship-institute.com, is located at 27172 Woodward Avenue, Suite 200,Royal Oak, Michigan 48067. It’s main phone number is (248) 546-0407.
Other Related Articles:Article Archives
