Building Trust
continued
A situation comes up. We recognize this could be a bad choice. Instead of just doing it this time, we talk to a friend or counselor. This time we do the right thing and avoid the pitfall. We are becoming consciously competent. Most people spend most of their time swaying between consciously incompetent and consciously competent. If you keep on practicing consciously competent, eventually you reach a place where you become unconsciously competent. You are consistently doing the right things (making right decisions) without even having to think about it.
Codependency and Boundaries
Codependency is not just about drug and alcohol addictions. It involves other inappropriate or addictive behaviors within relationships as well. Many times we allow others to mistreat us, while we play the part of the noble spouse, who is so kind, so giving and so loving, helping our spouse through all their difficulties. Really our behavior is disgusting and unhealthy, because we are enabling another's inappropriate behavior. Codependency and the issue of having healthy boundaries are interrelated. Having healthy boundaries means that we do not take responsibility for that which is not our responsibility. We do not pick up the ball that someone else drops. It means we allow others to suffer the consequences of their own mistakes. We do not pay their price for them. A great and amazing book to read on this issue is 'Love is a Choice' by Drs. Minirth, Hemfelt and Meier.
A Virtuous Woman, Who Can Find?
One woman, now single, shared how she was working on discovering who she really is, what she really likes and thinking about what she really wants out of her life, instead of living her life obsessively to please everyone else around her. She is just about finished her education, while managing her household and children on her own. Many people who find themselves single focus all of their attention on trying to find someone new, rather than working on improving themselves. (Then someone will be dieing to find them!) It is interesting to note the famous biblical passage regarding the virtuous woman. This woman is amazing. She is a fine business woman, she manages her household well and she has inner beauty as well as outer beauty. Interestingly enough, one of our members shared how interpreters had been very careful when choosing this word during translation from the original Hebrew text, because this word correctly denotes the real meaning 'manly strength.' We all laughed because this single female affair survivor had just shared how she had independently ripped her own carpeting up and refinished the flooring on her stairs. We agreed that she was the virtuous woman, because of her manly strength! The point is: This is what we should all be doing in recovering from affairs, regardless of whether we are still married, separated or single. Work on being virtuous, discover who we are, develop ourselves as individuals, develop a purpose and mission for our lives and work on being self-sufficient (not just financially but emotionally as well).
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