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Building Trust

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The Ideal Relationship

The ideal relationship is an interdependent relationship. First as children we are all dependent. We start out dependent on our parents for survival, but we grow up and we should become independent. The same is often true in relationships. Unfortunately many people start out being dependent on each other. They get married for the wrong reasons, to escape other problems or because they think being married will make them feel better about themselves. Growth is becoming independent, no longer 'needing' each other. One has to be independent before one can become interdependent, which means not needing each other, but choosing to be together, because together you are stronger and better than alone.

Trusting Your Spouse Again

I'm including here an excerpt from my new book 'My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me.' Here are 3 essential keys to rebuilding trust in the relationship:

1. Sever All Ties with the Third Party

If the couple intends to rebuild the relationship it is first of all essential that ALL ties with the third party are severed. You cannot remain just friends with this person. Many times the person having the affair is quite reluctant to do this, and it may be necessary to deliver a strong ultimatum, such as the one I gave Brian (I have included it in my book). Many times the betrayed spouse is afraid to deliver this strong type of a message to their spouse, because they are afraid of being alone, and this is understandable. However, this same fear is unattractive to the spouse who has had an affair. It makes them feel trapped in the relationship. In order to learn more about how to effectively insist that your spouse break ties with the third party, I also recommend the book, 'Love Must Be Tough' by Dr. James Dobson.

2. Talk, Talk, Talk and Openly Discuss the Affair

The way Brian and I healed our marriage after the affair, was through hours upon hours of dialogue. There was many a painful discussion, but through these discussions came understanding and healing. It is essential that the person who has had the affair be willing to discuss the details of the affair and answer all their spouses' questions. I have seen no better explanation as to why this is important than the analogy made by one man in a letter he wrote to his wife who had had an affair, Joseph's Letter. (This letter is also included in my new book 'My Husband's Affair.')

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