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Building Trust

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3. Patience and Giving to Each Other

The person who has had an affair must understand that this has been very painful for their spouse. Healing takes time. In our situation, it took two and a half years. This is actually a relatively short time period. We had more support than most and Brian was exceptional in his strength and courage to do the work of healing. He had to be very patient with me for a long time, as I worked through the grief, the sadness, the anger, and asked many questions at the pace with which I was ready to hear the truth. This he had to do, while he himself struggled with his own feelings of guilt, and while he was very much alone. Generally there is a lot of support available for the person who has been betrayed, but the one who has been unfaithful is the bad guy, the loser and the one everyone hates. Brian will soon be providing support through our website for such individuals who are sorry for their actions, love their spouses and sincerely desire to rebuild their marriages.

In addition to Brian's patience, I also had to be patient and understanding towards him. I had to create an atmosphere that made Brian feel comfortable enough to answer my questions and to communicate with me about the affair and why it had happened.

Phases of Trust

One lady shared a valuable graph regarding the phases of trust pertaining to infidelity. Before disclosure of the affair, trust is high. After disclosure of an affair, trust plummets to an all time low. Through SINCERITY (breaking all ties now with the third party) trust climbs perhaps 30%. Through ABILITY (discussing the affair, answering questions and proven behavior during this time) trust climbs another 30% or so. Through DURABILITY (being faithful, open and honest - proven behavior - over an extended period of time) one can regain full trust. IT TAKES TIME, WITH WORK AND PROVEN BEHAVIOR.

Bottom line: You shouldn't just blindly trust anyone. We all have to develop skills in discerning who to trust and when to trust. And we need to JUDGE THE BEHAVIOR AND NOT THE WORDS.

Trust is a risk to be sure, but to not take the risk is to cut yourself off from many meaningful relationships. As much as there are many untrustworthy people in the world, there are also many wonderful trustworthy people. Wise people don't cut themselves off from everyone, because of past hurts. They learn to improve themselves, and they learn to recognize who to trust, when to trust and to what degree to trust. Blind trust is unwise and naïve.

© 2003 Anne Bercht & Associates

You can purchase the Berchts’ book “My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me” by visiting http://www.passionatelife.ca/ where you’ll also find helpful advice and articles as well as information on the Beyond Affairs Network.

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