12 Steps to Forgiveness
continued
8. Do not expect that your decision to forgive will result in major changes in the other person.
9. Try to understand the person you have forgiven. What is their point of view? How do they feel? Why did they do what they did? What have their life experiences been that have made them vulnerable to such temptation and wrongdoing?
10. Expect positive results of forgiveness in you.
What are the benefits of forgiveness?
1. It sets you free from the past.
2. It significantly reduces vulnerability to physical sickness in you. It reduces the amount of toxins in your body. Forgiveness will make you healthier.
11. Think of what you’ve learned through this experience. What could you do better in the future? How can you help others going through the same or similar pain? It helps when you can redeem some meaning and purpose out of all the pain and mess. It feels much better, when we can think it was not for nothing, that it wasn’t meaningless.
Forgiveness is a learned skill. We don’t just know how automatically.
The ability to empathize with others going through similar pain is an important benefit we gain from forgiving.
12. Be sure to accept your part of the blame for the offenses you suffered, where applicable. I accept no blame for my husband’s affair. I do not feel I can be held responsible for something, when I did not have the opportunity to participate in the decision of whether or not it was going to happen. But I do accept blame for my part in our relationship breakdown. That was very hard to do, but when I finally did this, we really began to move forward in our healing.
Forgiving something as major as betrayal is a process. It takes time to process all of our emotions; anger, grief and sadness. The important thing is to be moving forward from whatever point we are at. I told Brian I forgave him six months after the affair. I threw my list in the river two years after the affair. It is healthy to give yourself appropriate time to process your emotions, when forgiving infidelity.
This article first appeared on http://www.beyondaffairs.com/
© 2003 Anne Bercht & Associates
You can purchase the Berchts’ book “My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me” by visiting http://www.passionatelife.ca/ where you’ll also find helpful advice and articles as well as information on the Beyond Affairs Network.
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