Posted By: SamanthaWho on Feb. 6, 2008 at 11:27 AM

Surviving infidelity and coping with the infidelity of a cheating spouse. Learn the signs of infidelity as well as how to recognize emotional infidelity.

This week was a week of torture and hell. My husband left me! He left our son! I’m completely blind-sided! What just happened? I want to talk to my best friend but he’s gone. How can someone go from loving and caring to treat you and your child like a piece of trash? He rarely answered my phone calls and when he did he was extremely cold. Most of the time when I called he would reply to my message I left him with an email. Who is this man? Where did my husband go? Where did my son’s father go?

 

He would come by and make these sorry attempts to act like he was some kind of father still. I’m sorry but 15 or 30 minutes with your son basically having nothing to do with him doesn’t count as being any sort of father. I was having an extremely hard time with what my husband was doing to me but how he was treating our son was out right cruel. Four days into his abandonment of our family I packed a bag for my son. I told my husband when he came by to see our son that he might be abandoning me but he wasn’t going to abandon our son so I expected him to take him to the “hotel” he was staying at. He refused to take him.

 

On the 5th day he told me that he was talking to a friend of his and he was going to go to church with him that weekend. He also told me that his friend had setup a meeting from someone from the church that he was going to talk to. I actually felt some ray of hope when I heard that. I decided to call his friend the next day to tell him that I appreciated his help through this difficult time. He had no clue what I was talking about. I was shocked! I told him that my husband had been telling me that he was helping him and that he had left our son and me that past weekend. He couldn’t believe that I was telling him. In his opinion the guy he knew would never do that. I think he was just as shocked as I was. After I got off the phone with him I was shaking head to toe. I was so angry. I felt so betrayed. Soon after the phone call to his friend my husband started calling, and calling, and calling. What? Now he wants to talk? He’s been treating our son and me like a piece of trash all week and now he freaken wants to talk. I can’t do this. I don’t know who this man is. God please help me.

 

I wouldn’t answer his phone calls. I couldn’t talk to him. I was still shaking. I did send him an email letting him know that I got his messages but I preferred to communicate via email like he previously requested.

 

He came home that night and agreed to talk to me, which he had previously refused to do. I told him that I had no idea why I was still here. Everything in my body is telling me to run far far away (I guess that was the fight or flight human instinct). However, as much as I wanted to be as far away from him as possible something was keeping me there. I guess I felt if my husband wasn’t going to fight for our family that I had to. I told him that I felt like he was in a really dark place and for whatever reason I felt like I was the light trying to show him the way home. I told him that I couldn’t wait another week for him to decide what he wanted to do. I simply couldn’t handle another week. He told me that he had one more night paid for at his “hotel” and that he was going to get his head together and come back home the next day.

 

My husband is a morning person and he didn’t come home till almost noon. I asked him what took him so long to get home and he said he overslept. I would have to say it was really odd to hear that but I let it go. He told me that he felt like his lost his mind and now that he was home he didn’t want to talk about it. I actually let it go. I was just happy to have my husband back.  

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Sorry Sam but it sounds to me like he had one more fling with a co-worker before "getting his head together". Now he doesn't want to talk about it? Dangerous as without talking honestly and confronting what happened it will eat away at you and may even happen again. It will be interesting to see how he reacts now that he's probably ended it with her, from what I hear depression is common after ending an affair for a period of weeks or months. You don't deserve to have to walk around on egg shells in the event he gets "confused" again...I'd be calling a marriage councellor

Posted By Starting again at 46 on Feb. 7, 2008 at 4:08 PM


I did call a marriage counselor. I actually called several. I had several different ones setup the week he was gone but every time I emailed him to let him know when we had one scheduled he said it conflicted with his work schedule. He came back home on a Saturday and I had another one setup for Sunday. He told me that we didn’t need to go because he got his head out of his a$$ and everything would be better now.

Posted By SamanthaWho on Feb. 8, 2008 at 12:57 PM


Samantha, I'm very sorry to hear your story. The worst part, is that mine is almost identical. I had a major surgery on 1/21 and was hospitalized until 1/25. My husband has had the same job for the thirteen years of our marriage and the hours have always been unpredictable, so I did not think much of the fact that he was "working" almost constantly in the few weeks prior to my procedure. Even after coming home from the hospital, he was still working constantly, and left me here with my eleven year old daughter and unable to drive. After coming home, I got on the internet to check e-mails on 01/27. To my surprise, there was an e-mail that had been sent from our account and been returned. After reading the e-mail, there was no doubt in my mind that my husband had not been "working." I confronted him with the e-mail, and, or course, he had a perfectly logical explanation. I was still uneasy, but after thirteen years of marriage, I felt that I owed him that trust. He did disclose during our conversation that he felt that I was unhappy and the last thing in the world he wanted was to not make me happy, so he had decided to separate for a period to "reflect." In this process, he had acquired an apartment with furnishings! I was livid at first, moreso because of the way he had gone about it. Over the course of the next week, I did have time to reflect and came to the conclusion that it was not necessarily a bad idea. I love my husband, but there are definitely areas of our marriage that need some work. Then came February 4! I called him that evening to let him know the results of the pathology report from my surgery, and a female answered the phone. Since that night, I have felt every emotion that I never knew I could possibly feel to this extent. My family (and his) is infuriated. I've talked to him several times over the course of the week and many details have been exposed, but I don't know if anything he's telling me is the truth. Like you, I have let him come to our home and visit with our daughter a few times, but he only stays a short period of time. My daughter only knows that her daddy has an apartment and that we are separated right now, but she does not know the reason why. Come to find out, she had been to the apartment and has even met this other person, but I don't know the full extent of any of that yet. I've been telling him since Monday that he needs to come over and tell her himself what is going on and why her mommy is barely functioning at this point. I don't know how much an eleven year old will comprehend an affair, but I do think that she will comprehend enough that she will be hurt. I am prepared for that, but I feel like he needs to be the one to tell her what he's done. My husband for several years has walked around with an "I'm untouchable, I'm unflawed, I'm better than everyone attitude," and it's about time that his daughter realizes that that is not the case. At this point I don't know where anything is leading. Crazily, I do truly want to work this out and save my marriage (against the advice of my family), but first I have to be able to be assured that his relationship with someone else is over and that it cannot possibly happen again. Any thoughts or advice are welcome. Pray for me!

Posted By foreverhurt on Feb. 9, 2008 at 12:30 PM


Foreverhurt,
You are in my prayers. Although it will be difficult for your 11 year old daughter I'm sure she will understand the basics. I wouldn't tell her any of the details as that would only make her uncomfortable and likely give her nightmares. One of the hardest things to do is forgive but for the sake of my children I told them that I had. I don't see how ruining their relationship with their father will help the situation. They felt torn and hurt and lost a huge amount of respect for my H after they found out. All 7 of them are dealing with this in different ways. I told my kids that yes their dad fucked up big time but they would need to forgive him and support him as we always have when any of them made mistakes. Sometimes I think my H is more demonized by how he has devestated our children than me. the whole thing totally sucks!

Posted By Starting again at 46 on Feb. 11, 2008 at 8:38 AM


Foreverhurt,

I also had surgery right before my husband left us. The day of my surgery it really hurt my feelings that he left the hospital with my son so when I was done with recovery no one was there for me. When he finally got back to the hospital I asked him where he went and he said that he took our son to play.

The week he stayed home after my surgery he kept leaving the house with our son and would be gone most of the day, which forced me to take care of myself when I needed him to take care of me.

It was the end of that week that he left us. I resented him for leaving while I was still recovering. At this point I still wasn't physically able to pick up my son.

I remember the doctor asking me before I went into surgery if I had any questions and I told him that the only thing that mattered to me was coming back to my husband and son. I can’t help thinking now that my husband secretly wished that I had died during surgery so he could be free to be with his whore.

The only advice I have right now is to take it one day at a time.

Posted By SamanthaWho on Feb. 11, 2008 at 3:47 PM


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12/01/2008 4:42 PM