Since going back to work (same job that is completely overwhelming in itself but a new place which adds to the “overwhelmed ness”) I am too busy during my working hours to even have a moment’s thought of “it.” He is off trying to find himself and clean up the messes he has made because of “it”, while I am here in the beautiful home he bought me when he started the affair trying to piece back together my life. I am going through the motions anyway. I look good, I have a following so big at work that it is, again, lack for a better work “overwhelming.” People love me. Not potential lovers mind you, students, colleagues, parents, friends. Weird, it is just so weird to have so many people love me and the one I want the most just cannot love me enough. In our last counseling session together he tried to break it off “because he didn’t want to hurt me anymore.” I went hysterical as I felt like “then why the fuck didn’t you break if off with me two years ago before or at the start of the affair?”

I have been talking with one of my best friends (a former long term lover but now just a great friend) about his new love. He hasn’t been in a relationship for six years because of adult games and he finally found someone he thought was genuine. Well no she lied too, she is really married. I also have been talking with my best girlfriend about her unhappy marriage and her “almosts.” I won’t judge her but I would be pissed if my SO did almosts (although he’s done much worse). I guess I still don’t understand because we had/have such a great relationship.

Bottom line is everyone lies to some degree. I will not settle for someone I don’t want just to get someone faithful. Do we accept those we love and their faults, or do we settle for someone we really don’t love to have the security of fidelity?

It’s been three and a half months since my world fell apart.